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Any one have joke

Post by PowerPlay777 on Thu Mar 26, 2009 11:24 pm

Here is 1


What a Rattle snake have in common with a limp Dick??




Wait for it!!!


You don`t Fuck with either one of em !!!! Shocked
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Re: Any one have joke

Post by datsme53 on Thu Mar 26, 2009 11:35 pm

LMAO!........ Okay I'll get one in here too then... lol!

Mary Lou!


A man was quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" He says. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it", she replies.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on", he explains. She looks satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.

Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes to, he says, "What the hell was that for?" "Your horse phoned!"
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any one got a joke

Post by darkstar on Thu Apr 02, 2009 5:17 pm

hey well i dont have one right now but i will post them when i get them but i can tell u go look at the post ( you got to read this ) it a good one really lol.

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sex

Post by thehogster65 on Thu Apr 02, 2009 5:30 pm

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."

"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
LOUD SEX

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear
splitting
yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the
problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
QUIET SEX

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during
a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an
orgasm?"

She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CONFOUNDED SEX

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from
his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his
manhood, but that
his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was
considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500
for "medium, $14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to
talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife
on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room,
and found the man looking dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads: 'Here Lies My
Wife-Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you
happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the
doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ELDERLY SEX

One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old
husband in bed with
another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him
off the balcony of their

20th floor assisted living apartment . Killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had
anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured
that at 92, if he could have sex .. He could fly."
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Re: Any one have joke

Post by tukie on Fri Apr 03, 2009 5:23 pm

Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Can't stop Laughing Laughing great jokes

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Re: Any one have joke

Post by thehogster65 on Fri Apr 03, 2009 7:36 pm

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.

I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and
was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few
pats on his head;
he then followed me into my house, slowly walked
down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour
later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was
back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the
hall and again slept for about an hour.
This continued off and on
for several weeks , Curious I pinned a note to his collar: "I would
like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and
ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my
house for a nap."
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:

"He lives in a home with 6 children -- 2 under the age of 3 -- he's
trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him
tomorrow?"
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Re: Any one have joke

Post by PowerPlay777 on Sat Apr 04, 2009 10:07 am

OK, A guy walks into a bar with a monkey and orders 2 beers. The bartender says I can`t serve your monkey you`ll have to leave.
The guy tells him, no he will behave himself.
So against better judgment he serves them!
So for an hour or so the man and the monkey drink beer and eat peanuts, no problem.
Then sure enuff the monkey goes crazy bouncing off the walls,and ends up eating the Que ball from the pool table. So the barkeep throws them out.
A week or so goes by and the guy with the monkey shows up again, the bartender tells him he won`t serve them. After some debate he says ok, after the guy gives him his Que ball back.
So for the next hour the bartender keeps a close eye on that monkey, and notices he is sticking peanuts up his butt and then eating them. He is thinking this is just sick.
So he walks over to the guy and ask, Why is he sticking them peanuts up his butt before he eats them. And the guy tells him.
Well since the Que ball incident HE CHECKS FOR SIZE Very Happy
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Re: Any one have joke

Post by PowerPlay777 on Fri Apr 10, 2009 1:53 pm

Damn noone liked my Monkey joke, Well How bout a blonde joke

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one
blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida
or the moon?'
The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida
?????'
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Re: Any one have joke

Post by PowerPlay777 on Fri Apr 10, 2009 1:53 pm

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it
died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
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Re: Any one have joke

Post by PowerPlay777 on Fri Apr 10, 2009 1:54 pm

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if
he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to
show it to you!'
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Re: Any one have joke

Post by PowerPlay777 on Fri Apr 10, 2009 1:54 pm

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I
get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts
back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
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Re: Any one have joke

Post by PowerPlay777 on Fri Apr 10, 2009 1:55 pm

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her
body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee
and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made
her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'
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Re: Any one have joke

Post by PowerPlay777 on Fri Apr 10, 2009 1:56 pm

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren,
the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,
'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
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Re: Any one have joke

Post by PowerPlay777 on Fri Apr 10, 2009 1:57 pm

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The
Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the
Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're
going at night!'
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Re: Any one have joke

Post by PowerPlay777 on Fri Apr 10, 2009 1:58 pm

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question
was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear
it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
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Re: Any one have joke

Post by PowerPlay777 on Fri Apr 10, 2009 1:59 pm

THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that
one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever
heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'
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Re: Any one have joke

Post by tupac81raiders on Fri May 29, 2009 9:42 pm

Buying Condoms...
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist." __________________
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Re: Any one have joke

Post by tupac81raiders on Fri May 29, 2009 9:47 pm

Going to Jail...
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail". Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...." LOL
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Re: Any one have joke

Post by tupac81raiders on Fri May 29, 2009 9:53 pm

A blonde was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an

important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward

heaven, she said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place

I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up sex

and tequila."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

She looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one."

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