I could see me doing this...

by **chefjimmy** Mon May 18, 2009 12:35 pm

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
Pocket
Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his
lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last
weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking
for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was
a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer
were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on
your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY
TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed.. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay,
so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There
I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of
a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I
was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am
I wrong?
So,
there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately y on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would
shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to
cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a
fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting
the batteries.
All
the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded
with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no
possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but
I'll do my best.. .?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on
with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,'
reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing
couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst
just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the
button, and . .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura
ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body
slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely
recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my
eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,
and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never
heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace,
obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping
all over the living room.
Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of
caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second
burst would be considered conservative?
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A
minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from
where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently
I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of
smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe
came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a
significant reward for their safe return!

P.s... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!

by Guest Mon May 18, 2009 4:37 pm

omg chef
im still fallin off the chair lol!

by **jimbeam77** Mon May 18, 2009 5:04 pm

Thats not funny i probably would do sumthing like that Very Happy

by **NicolasWSOP** Mon May 18, 2009 7:47 pm

HAHAHAHAH that is funny!

and now the poor guy can't do anything wrong or his wife will zap him.

Sucks to be him lololol.

by **illphillllllll** Tue May 19, 2009 12:41 am

the whole time i was thinking, if this guy zaps himself his hands are going to clench down on this taser. looks like i remember something from school. i guess i'm an azzhole, i would of got the cat.

by **chefjimmy** Tue May 19, 2009 7:02 am

i laughed so hard at this guys i just had to share it.....

by Alecizzo23 Tue May 19, 2009 7:51 am

wowzerrs lol that was hilarious!!!!

by **datsme53** Tue May 19, 2009 7:49 pm

LMAO again! I go this in an email some time ago. I was so funny then.. I figured I'd read it again... still very funny! I guess I'm a lil' like Philly... I would have done the cat LMFAO!

by blackulakingz Tue May 19, 2009 11:58 pm

Very funnny .....but im with you phil i would have zapped the cat before i zapped myself!!! afro

by Nutz-R-Gutz Sat Jun 20, 2009 5:25 pm

OUCH!! I don't thiink I will be able to stop laughing for a while!!! YOU are either the bravest or stupidest man alive, If its any consolation I just pissed my pants and I can barely type this as I am still racked with laughter!!

by RazorBacker1 Sat Jun 20, 2009 8:36 pm

Thats too funny, hey yall know if you got the cat first you wouldnt be able to pry it off your lap where the claws would be.. lol the best was to test a tazer is pull up to a bus stop and ask for directions, and get the poor guy that walks up..lol. Twisted Evil

and then drive away slowly.

by **thehogster65** Sat Jun 20, 2009 9:54 pm

I don't care who you are that there is some funny SHIT. I would of done the cat first myself and then went out back and done that damn neighbors dog that wakes me up every morning at around 4am.

by pokerbooster Mon Jun 29, 2009 9:20 am

that was freaking crazy and funny. I am still laughing at this omfg

by **Surf Rat** Wed Jul 08, 2009 11:42 am

LMAO-ROFL

....tho people like him are the reason why the most obvious of warning lables are put on products like "don't tie plastic bag over head an face as it may cause suffication" Suspect