JOKES,THIS and THAT,and LITTLE TID BITS

Hope I make you smile, laugh, and think. PEACE OUT

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WASP SPRAY

Never would have thought of it !!!


I have a friend who is a receptionist in a church in a high risk area who was concerned about someone coming into the office on Monday to rob them when they were counting the collection. She asked the local police department about using pepper spray and they recommended to her that she get a can of wasp spray instead. The wasp spray, they told her, can shoot up to twenty feet away and is a lot more accurate, while with the pepper spray they have to get too close to you and could overpower you. The wasp spray temporarily blinds an attacker until they get to the hospital for an antidote. She keeps a can on her desk in the office and it doesn't attract attention from people like a can of pepper spray would. She also keeps one nearby at home for home protection. Thought this was interesting and might be of use...
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FROM MY SENATOR

Dear Michael,



Thank you for contacting me with your concerns about the Unlawful Internet Gambling Enforcement Act of 2006 (UIGEA). It is an honor to serve as your Senator, and I appreciate hearing from you.



The implementation of the UIGEA and the impact it has on responsible adults trying to patronize legal businesses is a complex issue that deserves attention. At this time, there is no legislation pending before the Senate on this matter. Any changes to the UIGEA would fall under the jurisdiction of the Senate Committee on Banking, Housing, and Urban Affairs. As a member of this Committee, I want to assure you that I will be closely tracking this issue and will keep your views in mind.



If you would like to know more about my work in the Senate, please go to my website, http://merkley.senate.gov/, to sign up for my e-newsletter updates or to email me directly.

Again, thank you for contacting me. Please stay in touch.



All my best,

Jeff Merkley
United States Senate
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A LADY WALKS INTO A DRUG STORE

Lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacists eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy", I can't give
you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my
license, and they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things
will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, hell, you didn't
tell me you had a prescription."
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A 5 year old's first job..

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.'

'Oh my goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will you be working on the house again this week, too?'

The little girl replied, 'I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' sheet rock.'

Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?
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From The London Times:

A Well-Planned Retirement

Outside England 's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot

for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its

parking fees were managed by a very pleasant

attendant. The fees were £1 for cars ($1.40),

£5 for busses (about $7).

Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing

a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo

Management called the City Council and asked it

to send them another parking agent.

The Council did some research and replied that the
parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility.

The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was
a City employee.

The City Council responded that the lot attendant
had never been on the City payroll.


Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain

(or some such scenario), is a man who'd apparently had a

ticket machine installed completely on his own; and then

had simply begun to show up every day, commencing

to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about

$560 per day -- for 25 years.

Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over

$7 million dollars!

And no one even knows his name.
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RED MARBLES

I was at the corner grocery store buying some early potatoes. I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily appraising a basket of freshly picked green peas.

I paid for my potatoes but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes.
Pondering the peas, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller (the store owner) and the ragged boy next to me.

'Hello Barry, how are you today?'

'H'lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admirin' them peas. They sure look good.'

'They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?'

'Fine. Gittin' stronger alla' time.'

'Good. Anything I can help you with?'

'No, Sir. Jus' admirin' them peas.'

'Would you like to take some home?' asked Mr. Miller.

'No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with.'

'Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?'

'All I got's my prize marble here.'

'Is that right? Let me see it' said Miller..

'Here 'tis. She's a dandy.'

'I can see that. Hmmmmm, only thing is this one is blue and I sort of go for red. Do you have a red one like this at home?' the store owner asked.

'Not zackley but almost..'

'Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip this way let me look at that red marble'. Mr. Miller told the boy.

'Sure will. Thanks Mr. Miller.'

Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over to help me. With a smile she said, 'There are two other boys like him in our community, all three are in very poor circumstances. Jim just loves to bargain with them for peas, apples, tomatoes, or whatever. When they come back with their red marbles, and they always do, he decides he doesn't like red after all and he sends them home with a bag of produce for a green marble or an orange one, when they come on their next trip to the store.'

I left the store smiling to myself, impressed with this man. A short time later I moved to Colorado , but I never forgot the story of this man, the boys, and their bartering for marbles.

Several years went by, each more rapid than the previous one. Just recently I had occasion to visit some old friends in that Idaho community and while I was there learned that Mr. Miller had died.


They were having his visitation that evening and knowing my friends wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them. Upon arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to meet the relatives of the deceased and to offer whatever words of comfort we could.

Ahead of us in line were three young men. One was in an army uniform and the other two wore nice haircuts, dark suits and white shirts...all very professional looking. They approached Mrs. Miller, standing composed and smiling by her husband's casket. Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke briefly with her, and moved on to the casket.

Her misty light blue eyes followed them as, one by one; each young man stopped briefly and placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand in the casket. Each left the mortuary awkwardly, wiping his eyes.

Our turn came to meet Mrs. Miller. I told her who I was and reminded her of the story from those many years ago and what she had told me about her husband's bartering for marbles. With her eyes glistening, she took my hand and led me to the casket.

'Those three young men who just left were the boys I told you about. They just told me how they appreciated the things Jim 'traded' them. Now, at last, when Jim could not change his mind about color or size.....they came to pay their debt.'

'We've never had a great deal of the wealth of this world,' she confided, 'but right now, Jim would consider himself the richest man in Idaho.'

With loving gentleness she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased husband. Resting underneath were three exquisitely shined red marbles.

The Moral: We will not be remembered by our words, but by our kind deeds. Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath...

Today I wish you a day of ordinary miracles ~ A fresh pot of coffee you didn't make yourself...An unexpected phone call from an old friend...Green stoplights on your way to work...The fastest line at the grocery store...A good sing-along song on the radio...Your keys found right where you left them.

Send this to the people you'll never forget. I just Did.....

If you don't send it to anyone, it means you are in way too much of a hurry to even notice the ordinary miracles when they occur.

IT'S NOT WHAT YOU GATHER, BUT WHAT YOU SCATTER THAT TELLS WHAT KIND OF LIFE YOU HAVE LIVED
Have a Great Day!
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WELL THAT'S ALL I GOT SEE YOU ALL AT THE TABLES

some very interesting and LMAO storys/jokes.... really liked the little girl one and the parking attendent was great too really had me laughing and wondering where he went to retire ......the last one is so true ...you never know how much it means or how far it will reach when you simpley help a person in need.

Funny stuff.
Makes you think what the .......

Very Funny

Thanks for the good Laugh.