Redneck Jokes

In the back woods of Arkansas
Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the
night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a
lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm
doing."

Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the
lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern,
young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the
doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Do ya think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

razor and hog ain't gonna like home state jokes. watch out roller.......lol

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Do ya think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

lmao good one
sooooooooowieeeeeeee

slyone66 wrote:razor and hog ain't gonna like home state jokes. watch out roller.......lol

Sorry
Sorry
Sorry
Nothing meant by it.



Two hunters are out in the
woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and
his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the
emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says:
"Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says:
"OK, now what?"



lol
Sorry
I have fallen and can't get up.

think this was origianaly a blonde joke .....but it works as a redneck joke too!!

Drinking and Driving

One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Budweisers.
The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadbloack! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and
finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on out forheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl.
They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the
seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you
boys been drinking?"

"No sir," said Earl, "We're on the patch."



Come on now that's funny.

Roller wrote:Drinking and Driving

One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Budweisers.
The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadbloack! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and
finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on out forheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl.
They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the
seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you
boys been drinking?"

"No sir," said Earl, "We're on the patch."



Come on now that's funny.

Now that was funny i will have to try that one

that is funny but it would take a redneck sheriff for it to work

Lip Gloss

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day.
The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail.
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine.
He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on there, Mister, " said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."

"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."




LMAO at that one .............

Roller wrote:Lip Gloss

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day.
The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail.
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine.
He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on there, Mister, " said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."

"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."




LMAO at that one .............

wow. wowowowow.

ew

now that is funny....SICK....but funny... wonder what he does to keep the flys away from his lips after that or worse imagine the poor saloon girl he kisses inside.

NOW that is a very FUNNY redneck joke good 1 roller

A redneck goes into the lumber yard and asks for a truckload of 2 by 4's...the clerk sez ok how long do you need them?
He replys a long time I'm building a house with them.

A
visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on
the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many
people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well
that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any
of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their
hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this
seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise
their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever
touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic.
But let me ask you one question further.....Have any of you ever made
love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand. The
professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back,
and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has
ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and
tell us about your experience."

The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost.

The student replies, "Ghost?
Damn..... From back there I thought you said 'goats'!

LOLOL @ the ghost one!!

That is the best one on this thread by far lol.

Bubba's Buttholes

Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body.
So his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer,were sent for.
Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Daryl said, Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over.
So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, Nope, ain't Bubba.
The mortician thought that was rather strange.
Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body.
Gomer took a look at him and said, Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over.
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, No, it ain't Bubba.

The mortician asked, How can you tell?
Gomer said, Well, Bubba had two buttholes.
What? He had two buttholes?, said the mortician.

Yup, everyone in town knew it.
Every time we went to town, folks would say, Here comes Bubba with them two buttholes..

LMAO i love jokes

Two Indians and a Hillbilly

Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods.
All of a sudden, one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. Was the other Indian crazy or what? "No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season.
When Indian men see cave, they holler, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" into the opening.
If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate." Just then they saw another cave.
The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.

There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO!WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!" With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the Local Newspaper read, "NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN"



Bigger is not always better .......

You may be a Red Neck if:

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

Ya' can't git married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law against it.




I like that last one.
LMFAO

Hind Lick Maneuver

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the South. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone.

Buford Buck's 2 country boys in the next booth notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt.

The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out she starts spewing up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.

Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck "You're right, that hind-lick manoeuvre works like a charm."


LOL

Redneck Mirror

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.

One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly Be-autch he's runnin' around with."

What do rednecks call ductape?

Chrome.

Bubba and Billy bob got jobs at the Atlanta airport machine shop working the grave yard shift.....so late one night they are sittin around with nothing to do and Bubba sez ...'I heard tell you can get drunk on that there airplane fue'al....lets give 'er a try'....Billy Bob agrees and they each do several shots and get a wicked drunk on..drive home and pass out.
the next morning Billy bob wakes up and is suprized to find he has no hangover ... in fact he feels great.
then the phone rings......... its Bubba.....he asks 'how you feel this morn'n?'
Billy bob sez I feel great ,no hangover at 'tal ..that jet fue'al is kick butt stuff...bet'tar than shine !
Bubba asks 'have you farted yet?'
no sez Billy bob .'naaw....haven't been to 'da toilet yet.'
Bubba sez 'well don't 'cause I'm callin ya'll from Phoenix'