Blonde Jokes!

There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups.
The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived ?"

"He was on top ", she replied.
"You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed.

The second woman was asked the same question.
"I was on top ", was the reply.
"you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor.

With this, the third women, a blonde, burst into tears.
"What's the matter ?" asked the doc.
"Am I going to have puppies ?".....

A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying
overhead.
Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over
her.

The blonde says:
Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've hit me right
in the face!!!



LMAO

I Think that ones Funny .....

Blonde Dent Remover

A blonde was driving home after work, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a REPAIR shop.

The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow INTO the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing INTO her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow INTO the tailpipe in ORDER to get all the dents to pop out.

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said... "HELLLLOOOO ... You gotta roll up the windowwwws..

What do a genius blonde and a intergalatic spacecraft have in common??..............

.... niether have been proven to exist.

LMAO




A blonde walks into a library and says
Can I
have a burger and fries?

The librarian says
I'm sorry, this is a
library.

So the blonde whispers,
Can I have a burger and fries?

What goes:

vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech?



A blonde at a flashing red light.

A blonde in Vegas goes to a ventriloquist performance at the hotel...

she is shocked then angry because of the crude/blue blonde jokes he is perfoming.....so she stands up and begins to berate him calling him a sexist moran who perpetuates a negitive sterotype image of blonde women....

surprized and flustered the ventriloquist starts to stammer out an apology.....

you stay outa this!!! she yells ...I'm talking talking to the little guy in your lap!!!

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by
climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the street below, holding a
blanket for them to jump into.

The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!"

The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away. The Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead.

"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead.

"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!"

"OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the
blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.

Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!"

"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.

"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"

"Look," the Blonde says, "nothing you say is gonna convince me that
you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put
the blanket down, and back away from it..."

Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a
line of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks"!

The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit
tracks"! The third blondie said, "No, you idiots, those are horse
tracks!"

They where still arguing 10 mins. later when a train hit them!

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead walk into a store.

The woman behind the counter looks them over and asks, "Do you girls want to see something?"

Confused they say yes.

The woman pulls out a ceramic pot from behind the counter, and says,
"If you stick your head in this pot and say something you think is
true, but it is not true you will disappear off the face of the Earth,
POOF! But if what you say is true, the pot will turn to gold and it is
yours to keep."

The redhead sticks her head in the pot and whispers, "I think I am the smartest girl in the world." And POOF! she disappears.

The brunette sticks her head in the pot and says, "I think I am the most beautiful girl in the world." And POOF! she disappears.

Then the blond sticks her head in the pot and says, "I think..." And POOF! she disappears.

Blonde Diary


January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February- Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March- Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months....box said "2-4 years!"

April- Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May- Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June- Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July- Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August- Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October- Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November- Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ... instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December- Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

LMAO-ROTF I know a couple blondes girl-friends (members of the blonde squad) that have days like those.....

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the
elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by
saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."

The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"

The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagen?

Far-from-thinkin

A blonde girl was going on her first date and her grandmother gave her some advice:

"The boy may try to kiss you -- it will feel good, but don't do it. He
may try to go up your skirt -- but don't let him. He may try to try to
take your clothes off -- but don't do it. He may try to get on top of
you -- but don't do it. If you do any of these things, you'll disgrace
your family."

The girl said she understood and went on her date.

The girl came home at about 11pm and her grandmother was waiting for her and said, "Well, did you disgrace the family?"

"No", said the girl, "Instead of letting him do those things to me, I did them to him and now it's his family that's disgraced!"

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the
alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my
genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute.
He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return
for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped
his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man
grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its
head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals -
unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free
drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay $100 to anyone who's willing to give it a try".

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up.

"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me so hard with the beer bottle"

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is
having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead.

She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out
of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're next!"

the blonde is talking to her hairdresser and tells her that her new boyfriend has really bad dandruff and asks what can be done for him.
the hairdresser replies give him head and shoulders.
the blonde thinks about this awhile then asks how do I give him shoulders?

a blind man walks into a all girl bar finds the bar and orders a drink...once served he loudly asks the bartender ... ya wanna hear a really good blonde joke?
the bar falls suddenly quiet..... and in a deep voice the lady next to him says .... give'n that your blind before you tell that joke I should tell you the bartender is a blonde girl,the bouncer is a large blonde girl,the lady to your right is a blonde female wrestler,the lady beside me is a blonde pro boxer and I'm a blonde with a black belt in karate.

now do you really think you want to tell that joke?

the blind man thinks about this for a minute and replys ....
no... I don't want to have to explain it five times.

LOL



Got to love those Blondes.

.............................


Parachute Jumping

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.

The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"

"That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."

After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"

Dolly Parton


Blonde Quote:


I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde.

The Jigsaw Puzzle

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

He asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "we'll put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

There is a brunette and a blonde hanging over the edge of a cliff off a
piece of rope.
They realize that the rope will break if one of them
doesn't let go and they will both fall to their deaths.
The brunette
starts this big heartwarming speech about how she is going to sacrifice
herself. At the end of the speech the blonde starts clapping.

Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice?
Because it said "concentrate."

Why did the blonde tell her Pastor under no circumstances would she have more than three children?

Because she heard that 1 out of 4 children born in the world is Chinese.